I enjoyed the initial few lines that brought me into a helpless feeling of dread. It seemed you were aiming for a loss of control that stuck and I did appreciate the breaking in the beginning.
As the poem went on it seemed you lost the drive you had in the beginning. The conflicting imagery of a soft landing was marred by the unseeming reference to sorrow in the tears.
I think I can see what you went for, and I like it. Some of the imagery and metaphor (at the end) didn't bring the piece home the way I'd hoped it would. I think if you revisit this poem a few times and bang it out you'll have a solid poem.
Okay. I can see what you mean. Like I said, I like it as a rough draft and I think you could make it into a strong piece of work. Always glad to help, for what it's worth.
As the poem went on it seemed you lost the drive you had in the beginning. The conflicting imagery of a soft landing was marred by the unseeming reference to sorrow in the tears.
I think I can see what you went for, and I like it. Some of the imagery and metaphor (at the end) didn't bring the piece home the way I'd hoped it would. I think if you revisit this poem a few times and bang it out you'll have a solid poem.